Writer’s Block: Treatments and Interventions
I turned thirty in June. June 14, to be exact! So I’ve been in my thirties for almost a month now. Things have been different, maybe because I decided they would be. I listened to “30/90” from “Tick Tick…Boom!” in my bed before going to sleep the night of my thirtieth birthday. I did some journaling the next day. I’ll put an excerpt of what I wrote below:
I treated myself to a selfish prayer for my thirtieth birthday. I don't pray for myself, only for others, but I thought maybe I could have a present just for me.
I prayed for vision.
Clarity. Y'know? The ambition that had me by the throat in February and March, and before that. I prayed for vision. I prayed to know the way forward and to work toward it with everything I have. I prayed for vision.
I prayed to believe in the book I'm writing now, and the ones that will come after. Prayed to update my LinkedIn, get my resume up to speed, do well at interviews, all that. Prayed to not be afraid, because I am. Afraid. I'm so afraid I'll run out of money and have nothing to show for it. No novel, no engineering job. That scares me. It scares the hell out of me.
Vision. If God could give me vision, I could live on it. But I read somewhere that God doesn't give things directly. If you pray to God for strength, he won't give you strength. Only the opportunity to be strong. Ask God for love, he won't just load you up. He'll make you work for it. I asked God for vision. If God were to answer, it would be in the form of a test. He'll test my resolve. Place me in a position where I'll need vision to see me through. But it'll come from me in the end. It'll have to.
Working fewer hours at the bike shop has done absolute wonders for my general mental state, but I’m still experiencing a weird creative block. I’ve written things for my Hand Magic revision, of course. One absolutely scalding scene a few days after the Muse, then a few other scenes that really didn’t come anywhere close. I left it alone for a few days just to allow things to percolate. Those days have turned to weeks. Still nothing.
I probably should have seen this coming. I’ve burned pretty hard creatively in the last two years. A 4,000 word scene I wrote in one sitting after a Multivariable Calculus exam that made it to the final five of the Speculative Literature Diverse Worlds grant contest. A massive, epic fanwork that I drafted, wrote, and executed during my first year of engineering school. Another 4,000 word scene I wrote in six hours, which got me to the waitlist at the Tin House YA Summer Workshop. Then a literal whole novel? In two months???
Absolutely insane output. I shouldn’t feel any shame or surprise in needing rest. It’s time to inhale, and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’m taking a Full-Stack Web Developer course online with Code Academy. I’m doing a lot of house shit. Putting up shelves, painting, etc. I bought myself a sawzall for my birthday so I can scrounge for pallets and harvest the wood for projects. I’ve started dating again. I read the personal finance book my mother gave me and my sister in March, Smart Women Finish Rich, which has inspired me to get my finances in order. Harder than you might think! So much paperwork involved in consolidating accounts. It’s been really nice having enough time to do that.
I’m still applying to grants and residencies, of course. I applied to the Boston Public Library Writer-in-Residence position! The application was actually really excellent. Made me think seriously about why I’m writing Hand Magic, what I want to say, and what story I want to tell. I needed that, and now I’m more stoked then ever. I’m hopeful about the residency! But expecting absolutely nothing at all.
I go to Ireland in a week and a half. It snuck up on me! There’s going to be a lot of scraping and penny-pinching of course, but I’m excited for the breath of fresh Irish air to blow the cobwebs out of my brain and get the muse active again.
I always feel creative and inspired in new places. Moving to Boston was the best thing I’ve ever done for my writing practice. Going to England last summer, going to Prague over winter break, both of those things kicked my work into absolute overdrive. I created amazing things because of those trips. I wonder what this adventure will bring. What amazing ideas will I have because of Ireland? I’m excited to find out.
By the way, I haven’t forgotten about those books from the Muse I promised to read and report back on. Stay tuned for another post, because man do I have some Thoughts!
xx Claire
